Introduction

In ESD, developing and maintaining personal boundaries is foundational for building confidence and self-esteem and ensuring personal safety. This chapter explores different types of boundaries and examines their relevance in fostering a strong sense of self. Through assertiveness training, role-playing scenarios, and self-reflection, you will gain practical tools to communicate your boundaries clearly and confidently. Additionally, we will analyze the cultural and social factors that influence boundary-setting behaviors, as well as the common challenges faced when asserting boundaries with strangers, acquaintances, and loved ones. By mastering these skills, you enhance both your personal safety and overall empowerment.

Chapter Goals

After reading this chapter, you will be able to do the following:

1. Define personal boundaries and their significance in personal safety planning.
2. Identify different types of boundaries and understand the importance in not only setting a boundary but maintaining it.
3. Develop skills in assertiveness and boundary-setting techniques for effective communication in self-defense situations.
4. Recognize the impact of cultural and social norms on boundary-setting behavior.
5. Analyze common challenges and barriers to setting and enforcing personal boundaries.
6. Demonstrate strategies for navigating boundary violations and assertively asserting one’s limits.
7. Understand the connections among boundary setting and self-esteem, confidence, and empowerment.
8. Explore techniques for boundary setting in various contexts, including interpersonal relationships, public spaces, and professional environments.
9. Reflect on personal experiences and values related to boundary setting and assertiveness.
10. Set practical personal safety goals to be incorporated into your daily activities.

Types of Boundaries

Boundaries are lines we draw to feel safe—physically, emotionally, and psychologically. There are no universal rules. What each of us finds unpleasant depends on our culture, values, environment, and life experiences. We have different boundaries with different people, and those boundaries can change within a situation. In healthy relationships, people communicate clearly about their own boundaries and respect the other person’s. There are several types of boundaries you might consider establishing in various aspects of your life:

• Physical boundaries: These pertain to your personal space and touch. It’s about defining the physical distance you’re comfortable with and the type of physical contact you permit. For instance, you may set boundaries on hugs, handshakes, or personal space invasion.
• Emotional boundaries: These boundaries involve protecting your emotions and mental well-being. It’s about recognizing and communicating what emotions you’re comfortable sharing, understanding when you need space or support, and recognizing when others’ emotions may be impacting you negatively. For instance, you choose to leave a conversation that makes you uncomfortable or cancel plans when you feel unwell.
• Time boundaries: Setting boundaries around your time involves understanding how much time and energy you’re willing to dedicate to various activities or individuals. It’s crucial to prioritize your commitments and ensure you have enough time for self-care and relaxation. For instance, you set and maintain a time of day when work or school commitments end and personal time begins.
• Digital boundaries: In our modern world, establishing boundaries in the digital space is essential. This includes managing your online presence, setting limits on screen time, protecting your personal information, and being selective about communication channels and social media interactions. For instance, you can schedule a time each day for checking social media with a limit on the amount of time. You may find this frees up your mind to think about other priorities.
• Social boundaries: These involve defining the kind of social interactions you’re comfortable with. It might include saying no to certain events, gatherings, or conversations that make you uncomfortable or compromise your values. This can be tricky when well-meaning friends ask you to engage in behavior that makes you uncomfortable, but it is important for your well-being.
• Financial boundaries: Setting limits on financial involvement and decisions is also important. This includes being clear about lending money, spending limits, or expectations concerning financial support for others. This also refers to maintaining control over your finances when a family member or someone you live with offers to combine accounts or financial responsibilities.

Remember, setting boundaries isn’t about building walls; it’s about creating a healthy framework that respects your needs and values while promoting positive relationships. It involves clear communication and sometimes assertiveness to ensure your boundaries are understood and respected by others. Always prioritize your well-being and don’t hesitate to adjust your boundaries as necessary in different situations or as circumstances change.

What Is the Harm?

From the perspective of the person who needs to defend themselves, having confidence and the ability to set boundaries starts with everyday events and extends to more threatening situations. But before you set a boundary you must first recognize when you need one! Harm comes in many forms. It can be psychological, emotional, financial, sexual, physical, spiritual, or a combination of these. It can occur face-to-face or online. All harm, though, is about power: Someone is trying to control you, so the sooner you recognize what is happening the faster you can stop it.

Psychological Abuse

Intimidations and threats are psychological abuse. They can be blunt or subtle and conveyed by words or actions. For example, threats can be made against you or others you care about, such as children, extended family, or pets. The abusive person might say they will harm “X” if you do not comply with their wishes, or they may be more subtle and indicate an accident could happen. Even more subtle are actions taken to intimidate by reminding you what they are capable of. For example, they leave an object used to hurt you out where you can see it or physically destroy an object in front of you to display their strength. For one of my students, her boyfriend would take her cat just to let her know he could and then tell her it was just a joke and that she was too sensitive. Many times, psychological and emotional abuse occur together.

Emotional Abuse

Anything to undermine a person’s self-worth is emotional abuse. An abusive person will dismiss another person’s feelings, tell them they are too sensitive (like my student’s boyfriend), or blame them for their anger: “I couldn’t help it. You made me mad.” Emotional abuse can be in the form of insults and belittlement. “You are ugly and lucky to have me as a partner.” It can be guilt trips whereby a person is made to feel guilty for spending time with others. And it can involve shaming or humiliation such as a person being insulted in front of others. Because it is hard to prove this type of abuse, it becomes a vicious cycle in that you are told your feelings are “wrong” or don’t matter and any pain you suffer is your own fault. And this type of abuse does not have to occur in person. More and more cases of emotional and other abuse are occurring over the internet.

Financial Abuse

The controlling of another person’s ability to acquire, use, and maintain financial resources is financial abuse. This type of behavior is usually the first sign of dating violence or domestic abuse and can be quite dangerous. Once an abuser has control of your finances it is much more difficult to leave the relationship. You do not have access to funds to escape or take care of yourself. The abuser may have hurt your credit by running up your credit cards and not paying them off. Your job history may be hurt by many absences or quitting employment. In either case, it is much harder to get access to financial freedom, and for that reason many people stay in an abusive relationship or return to one. This type of abuse may start with phrases that seem flattering like “I will take care of you, so you do not need to work.” The abuser may make you feel bad if you say no: “Don’t you think I took good enough care of you?” It can be subtle too, starting with constant criticism of how you spend your money and eventually leading to the abuser making monetary decisions for you. Or it can be direct behavior like demanding a paycheck be handed over to the abuser or not allowing you to work and have financial independence. Like all abuse, it can build over time until the attacker has complete control over your financial freedom.

Sexual Abuse

Forcing someone to have sex or perform sexual acts and behaviors when they don’t want to is sexual abuse. It is sexual abuse even if you are the spouse, partner, or someone who consented at first and then changed your mind and made your intentions clear. For example, a person asks you to send them naked photographs of yourself. Initially, the request might seem flattering or may make you uncomfortable, but you do it anyway. Later you discover the person is sharing the images with their friends or on social media and you ask them to stop but they do not; that is sexual abuse. When you ask the person to stop before sexual intercourse and they tell you that you are a tease or that you led them on so you go ahead with it without saying anything, that is sexual abuse.

Physical Abuse

Being pushed, struck, or visibly injured is physical abuse, but so is having your movements restricted or confined. You could be locked in a closet or physically restrained in a room. Someone could block your way and prevent you from exiting a situation. A person could spill food or drinks on you, spit in your face, or aggressively take things from you. These are all examples of physical abuse. One of my students had a college roommate who would aggressively grab things from her in front of other students and then call her a “bad roommate” for not sharing when she would complain. This is an example of physical abuse because of the forceful taking of things but also psychological and emotional harm because of the ridicule and dismissal of my student’s feelings.

Influences on Setting Boundaries

Setting boundaries is heavily influenced by cultural and social factors, as they shape our beliefs, values, and expectations regarding interpersonal relationships and personal space. Here are some key cultural and social influences:

• Cultural norms and values: Different cultures have varying norms and values concerning boundaries. For instance, in some cultures, there might be a greater emphasis on collectivism and prioritizing the needs of the group over individual boundaries. In contrast, individualistic cultures may encourage more emphasis on personal autonomy and boundary setting.
• Family dynamics: The family environment plays a crucial role in shaping one’s understanding of boundaries. Families that promote open communication and respect individual boundaries tend to influence individuals to assert their own boundaries in social interactions.
• Social expectations and gender roles: Societal expectations and gender roles can impact how individuals perceive and set boundaries. For example, there might be different expectations regarding assertiveness and boundaries for men and women. These societal norms can influence how comfortable individuals feel in setting boundaries in various contexts.
• Media and cultural representations: Media, including movies, TV shows, and literature, often portray different interpersonal dynamics and boundary-setting behaviors. These representations can influence people’s perceptions and expectations about what is acceptable or normal in terms of setting boundaries.
• Religious and spiritual beliefs: Religious or spiritual beliefs can also significantly influence boundary setting. Some religions emphasize humility and selflessness, while others may prioritize individual rights and personal autonomy. These beliefs can impact how individuals establish and communicate their boundaries.
• Peer influence and social circles: Friends, peers, and social circles can play a significant role in shaping boundary-setting behaviors. People might adopt or adapt their boundary-setting practices based on what is considered acceptable or expected within their social group.

How to Set Boundaries

Communicate your boundaries with both verbal and physical cues. In a clear, firm voice state the unwanted behavior and direct the person to stop it. Do not add any more information than is necessary. In this way, you communicate your message clearly. If you add an explanation or other information, that creates an opening for the other person to push back against your boundary. If you tend to talk when you are nervous, count silently to 10. By then, the other person has usually responded to your demand. Silence can be as effective as words.

A powerful physical cue is spacing or body language. If a person violates your boundary by touching you, quickly move your body away from them. Ideally, put two arms’ length of space between you and the threat and stand at a 45-degree angle. Face them with your hands up in front of you, palms open. Increasing the space between you removes the immediate physical threat and puts you in a position to protect yourself.

If the unwanted behavior is verbal, spacing can be more subtle but just as effective. Moving away from another person conveys a lack of interest. Taking a step back from someone talking to you, or shifting away from them in your seat, sends a message that you do not want to engage. However, don’t ever turn your back to a threat.

Eye contact or lack thereof is an important physical cue. When you state your boundary and demand, make direct eye contact to reinforce your message. Do not look down or away. Breaking eye contact at that moment sends a message of hesitation or uncertainty and provides the person with an opening to challenge your boundary.

Lack of eye contact is effective when combined with other cues. After you’ve stated what your boundary is, looking away from the person can end the altercation. If a person is trying to engage you verbally, they may give up their attempts if you shift your body away from them and cut off eye contact. However, never use lack of eye contact on its own. If you believe simply avoiding eye contact will make a person leave you alone, you are mistaken. Doing that has the opposite effect; it makes you look like an easy target. Just because you can’t see a threat doesn't mean it’s not there.

After You Set a Boundary, You Have to Maintain It

It is crucial to maintain your boundary once it is set. If you waver or back down from speaking up against an unwanted behavior, you can be sure that boundary will be violated again. You want to convey strength, not weakness. Your reaction to a boundary crossed can become a muscle memory. Before long, you will instinctively react a certain way to behavior that offends you. You want to keep yourself safe. Of course, if the circumstances change in the moment, your boundaries can change too (e.g., the person immediately offers a sincere apology). Remember you set the boundary, not the other person.

No one has the right to enter your physical, mental, or emotional space without your permission, whether they’re a friend, a colleague, a family member, or a perfect stranger. Follow your instincts; you know when someone does or says something that upsets you. When that happens, consider establishing a boundary to prevent them from doing it again. If you think that will help, set one and stick to it. You will thank yourself!

Movement Activities

Twenty-Minute Warmup

The warmup (see Chapter 1) is to be done each week before learning or practicing physical techniques. This efficient warmup routine targets the entire body by beginning with alternating cardio movement and body weight strengthening exercises followed by a series of joint mobility techniques. Always take note of how your body is feeling before you start any form of exercise by quickly scanning your body for areas of stiffness, soreness, or pain. Modify the warmup as needed and know that simply moving your body for 20 minutes, no matter how big or small, is good for your health! Again, add sit-ups with cross palm heel strikes or plank variations and review strikes and blocks.

Exercises for Setting Boundaries

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The goal of these games is to make learning about boundaries enjoyable and interactive. By engaging in these activities, you can better understand the importance of boundaries and gain confidence in implementing them in your own life.

• Role-playing games: Engaging in role-playing scenarios can be an effective way to practice setting boundaries. You can pair up with a friend and take turns pretending to be in different situations when boundary setting is necessary. This could involve saying no to a request that makes you uncomfortable or asserting your personal space.
• Boundary charades: Create a game of charades whereby participants act out scenarios that involve boundaries. Others in the group guess the boundaries being set or violated in each scenario. This interactive game helps in identifying different boundary types and understanding their importance.
• Storytelling sessions: Encourage participants to share personal stories about situations when setting boundaries was essential. This storytelling activity allows individuals to learn from each other’s experiences, understand different perspectives, and gain insights into effective boundary-setting strategies.

Actionable Strategies

Now that you’ve explored the critical role of setting and maintaining boundaries in self-defense, understand the potential harm that can occur when boundaries are crossed, and learned the physical and verbal techniques to assert and protect your boundaries, you’re ready to put these skills into practice. The following actionable strategies are designed to help you integrate boundary setting into your daily routine effectively. Each strategy outlines a clear goal and provides a breakdown of how it can be specific and measurable, accountable, and time-bound. Use these as a starting point, adapt them to fit your needs, or create your own to build confidence and maintain your personal safety.

• Practice Saying no with confidence.
• Goal: Build confidence in clearly and firmly setting verbal boundaries.
• Specific: Identify one low-stakes situation daily when you can practice saying no assertively, such as declining an extra task or turning down an invitation.
• Measurable: Track the number of times you successfully say“n” each week, noting your tone, delivery, and response.
• Accountability: Share your experiences with a trusted friend or classmate who can provide encouragement and feedback.
• Time-bound: Commit to practicing this skill daily for 2 weeks and evaluate how comfortable and confident you feel in asserting your boundaries.
• Role-play boundary-setting scenarios.
• Goal: Develop the ability to set and maintain boundaries in realistic situations.
• Specific: Partner with a friend or family member to practice role-playing one boundary-setting scenario per day, such as asking someone to respect your personal space or stop interrupting you.
• Measurable: Note improvements in your tone, body language, and assertiveness after each session.
• Accountability: Review each role-play with your partner to discuss what went well and identify areas for improvement.
• Time-bound: Practice role-playing daily for 2 weeks; then assess your readiness to apply these skills in real-world interactions.
• Identify and reflect on boundary crossings.
• Goal: Enhance awareness of situations when your boundaries are being crossed.
• Specific: At the end of each day, reflect on interactions when your boundaries were tested or crossed. Note how you responded and what you could do differently next time.
• Measurable: Keep a journal to document at least one boundary-related reflection each day.
• Accountability: Discuss your reflections with a mentor or accountability partner to gain insights and reinforce learning.
• Time-bound: Commit to this reflective practice daily for 3 weeks; then evaluate your progress in recognizing and addressing boundary crossings and patterns.
• Use physical and verbal cues to reinforce boundaries.
• Goal: Practice using body language and verbal statements to establish and maintain boundaries.
• Specific: Incorporate boundary-setting cues, such as stepping back, turning away, raising your hand in a stop motion, and saying “I need you to stop,” in low-stakes scenarios (e.g., crowded public spaces).
• Measurable: Track the number of times you practice these cues weekly and note how others respond.
• Accountability: Share your experiences with a trusted friend or group practicing similar skills.
• Time-bound: Dedicate time to practicing these cues three times a week for 4 weeks; then assess your comfort and effectiveness in using them.
• Develop and practice a personal boundary script.
• Goal: Create and internalize a short script for asserting boundaries in common scenarios.
• Specific: Write a script for a situation you frequently encounter (e.g., a coworker interrupting your work or someone invading your personal space). Practice delivering it aloud daily.
• Measurable: Track your ability to recite the script confidently without hesitation over time.
• Accountability: Practice your script with a peer or coach who can provide feedback on delivery and tone.
• Time-bound: Commit to practicing your script daily for 2 weeks; then try applying it in a real interaction and reflect on the outcome.
• Establish a safe exit strategy for boundaries’ breached.
• Goal: Develop a plan for safely exiting situations when your boundaries are repeatedly disrespected.
• Specific: Identify three phrases or actions you can use to remove yourself from an unsafe or uncomfortable scenario, such as saying, “I need to leave now” or physically stepping away. Practice them during role-play or daily activities.
• Measurable: Track the frequency of practicing these strategies and note how natural they feel over time.
• Accountability: Share your exit strategies with a trusted partner or instructor for review and suggestions.
• Time-bound: Practice these strategies weekly for 1 month; then assess your confidence in using them during real-world situations.

By incorporating these strategies into your daily life, you can strengthen your ability to set and maintain boundaries, fostering both safety and self-respect in various environments.

Key Takeaways

After engaging with this chapter, you should be able to do the following:

1. Understand the different types of boundaries and the importance in maintaining them for personal safety.
2. Observe and practice assertiveness skills and boundary-setting techniques in self-defense situations.
3. Comprehend the influence of cultural and social norms on boundary-setting behavior.
4. Recognize common challenges to setting and enforcing boundaries in different contexts such as interpersonal relationships, public spaces, and professional environments.
5. Increase self-awareness of personal experiences and values related to boundary setting and assertiveness.
6. Understand the connections among boundary setting and self-esteem, confidence, and empowerment for a more well-rounded personal safety practice.
7. Integrate practical ESD strategies into your daily routine.

Resources

Christensen, L. W., & Christensen, L. (2016). Self-defense for women: Fight back. YMAA Publication Center, Inc.

Cloud, H., & Townsend, J. (1992). Boundaries: When to say yes, how to say no to take control of your life. Zondervan.

Hellison, D. (2011). Teaching personal and social responsibility through physical activity. Human Kinetics.

Moore, M., Jackson, E., & Tschannen-Moran, B. (2015). Coaching psychology manual (2nd ed.). Wellcoaches Corporation, Wolters Kluwer Health, Inc.

Ross, E. N. (2000). Being safe: Using psychological and emotional readiness to avoid being a victim of violence and crime. Hartley & Marks.

Tawwab, N. G. (2021). Set boundaries, find peace: A guide to reclaiming yourself. TarcherPerigee.

Resources

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